• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

• With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

• Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.

• We are all here for a spell get all the good laughs you can.

• I traveled a good deal all over the world, and I got along pretty good in all these foreign countries, for I have a theory that it's their country and they got a right to run it like they want to.

• There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

• What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

• There is good news from Washington today. Congress is deadlocked and can't act.

• Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.

• The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.

• The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.

• Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

• You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

• If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out

• Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

• We have the best Congress money can buy.

• I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat

• Every man is ignorant - just on different subjects.

• So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

• Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.

• Never let yesterday use up too much of today.

• We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

• The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the President'

• It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

• I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his money.

• Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead.

• If any of us had a child that we thought was as bad as we know we are, we would have cause to start to worry.

• The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation. I never yet talked to the man who wanted to save time who could tell me what he was going to do with the time he saved.

• I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.

• Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

• Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House

• I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

• Nothing you can't spell will ever work.

• I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

• An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.

• This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

• The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

• The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

• Politics is applesauce.

• Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.

• On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

• Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.

• There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.

• Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.

• The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.

• We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.

• Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

• There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education.

• The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

• See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails

• Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

• Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.

• I bet you if I had met him Trotsky and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like.

• You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

• Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.