• It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

• Eighty percent of success is showing up.

• Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

• I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

• If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

• More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

• Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

• It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

• Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

• When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

• Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

• The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

• Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

• I am at two with nature.

• Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.

• I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.

• It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

• I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

• On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

• The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

• At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

• Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

• Thought Why does man kill He kills for food. And not only food frequently there must be a beverage.

• Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

• Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered

• What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

• Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

• I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

• How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter

• How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size

• His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

• As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

• I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

• I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

• I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

• It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

• If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

• If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

• It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

• The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

• Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

• Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

• Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

• Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

• Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

• My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

• There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman

• The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

• To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

• When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

• What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists

• You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.